Thursday, July 12, 2007

My life is all I have; my rhymes, my pen, my pad.....

So! It has come to my attention in the last week that I have not posted for the last TWO MONTHS! Maybe it makes sense that as a result my life has felt upside down-not writing is usually a recipe for disaster, or a symptom of it. When really stressful things start to come up in my life, I find that nowadays, I have no desire to write about it. I don't want to look at it on paper, I don't have the energy to rehash it once again. Hence the not writing. This has the unintended effect of throwing whatever might be harmonious in my life off balance, since when i don't write, portions of myself go unexamined, unexpressed and unsupported.

Ever had the felt like King Midas? You know, he's the king from the old stories who loved gold so much he was cursed with a touch that turned everything into gold, even his loved ones. I feel like that right now, but instead of it being a golden touch, it's a shitty touch.

I have felt unmoored since I have been done with my year of study abroad- caught up in the daily mundane tasks of organizing, preparing, cleaning, planning. These are normally things I enjoy doing, but even though they are important and necessary, I have felt as though time and life have been passing me by as I finish paying off my tuition by doing a month of work exchange for my academic program, applying to a state university, organizing things in my mother's home and moving myself back into it after living away for years. I am the co-maid of honor at a best friend's wedding, and the inane and insane planning for this event has been trying my nerves, patience and coping mechanisms. So much stupidity from so many people during what is supposed to be a fabulously happy time! Instead it is hours of phone calls, stress, emails, researching websites for everything from reasonable airfare (it's a destination wedding) to acceptable favors and decorations. In addition, there is so much damage control involved, I feel dread every time my cell phone rings. The extended family I was spending the last week and a half with (on what was supposed to be my vacation) was almost as invested in this planning as I am! My aunt was suggesting solutions, researching favor ideas, taking me to the local flea markets, party stores and the like in search of everything I need. The fam listened as I stomped around the house, angrily shouting into my cell phone, rolling my eyes at every opportunity, appalled by the lack of decency of some people. My uncle stole me some blank CDs from work, my friends all listened to my frustrations and fears in planning all of this. It's amazing that I am complaining about all of this! I LOVE logistics! I LOVE planning, be it event planning, schedule planning or even just organizing what needs to get done. I have soured on my beloved logistics, at least for now. It will be some time before I can fondly think of anything related to responsibility for an event (or weddings).

So back to my shitty touch. The event myself and another friend have been planning for the last month and a half has almost entirely fell through tonight. I arrived back on the East Coast, literally landed on the tarmac and turned my phone on to continue the never ending list of things to do and discovered half my guest list will not be attending. Hours of damage control and what ifs ensue as I return to my beautiful, beloved home, begin to unpack and settle in and move around the house. I check the mail, with all of the last week's post there. I have eagerly been awaiting an answer from the state university I applied to. To my shock surprise and horror, I was rejected. I was not offered admittance. A year of straight As, after two years of serving my country through national service, still not enough to erase the unsuccessful academic attempts I made right after high school. Now I feel like I've got nothing: no job, no school, no plans- Thankfully I have a loving supportive family and a place to stay, which is a whole lot more than nothing, I know, but I feel like I have nothing of my own, nothing for myself. The relationship that means the most to me in the entire world has fallen and continues to fall apart, possibly beyond repair, and I don't know how to fix it, or if my best friend will even let me try. No job, no school, no best friend, no plans....

When one door closes, another opens, when the door shuts in your face, a window somewhere is unlocked, everything happens for a reason, every cloud has a silver lining, insert whatever tried and true cliche you got. This is the pathetic place I am in at the moment; everyone is quoting trite advice to me. Next round of it will be "Don't worry, you're strong, you'll get through this," as if I can just lean back onto this alleged strength and skate on through. Life will work itself out, God will see to it, don't worry. I feel that is true (despite my anti-cliche stance at the moment), but hearing that right now does nothing for my mood, my plans or the pit of live snakes in my stomach that masquerade as anxiety.