Sunday, November 26, 2006

Intentions

So I intended to write, I swore I would write, I promised myself I would write, and for the last week or so, no writing has happened. This is me trying to fulfill my intention and writing to rescue my sanity and keep my self consistent. Being back in America is hard. I mean really hard. Too many things to keep track of here: social norms, traffic lights, cell phones, cell phone laws, calling people back, leaving the house, walmart, grocery stores, overabundance, extravagance, the holiday season, waste, incredible waste, useless waste.

The other night my sister invited me to watch In America with her, a movie about a poor Irish family that moves to America, to NYC, to pursue the dad's dreams as an actor. I couldn't watch. At one point, they go out to Coney Island to try and escape their difficult life for a moment, get roped into a carnie game and blow ALL their money there. They do this b/c the dad is insistent in proving that he can beat America at its own game.

I couldn't watch! ME! Who pushes world tragedy on people to open their eyes, who forces myself to read the news and stay informed b/c being unduly affected by the pain of others is a privilege, a high class problem we have since we live here and aren't going through it ourselves. ME!! Who will watch/read/learn/do anything to prove this pain to myself, to remember how lucky i am not to be the prisoner of war anywhere in Africa; not to be a child growing up in the disfigured reality of American sprayed Agent Orange throughout South Asia; not to be an uneducated girl growing up in India in a family who i only burden with my dowry debt; not to be a young girl running from FGM in any number of countries, or to be perpetually afraid that i will be raped or assaulted and then killed by my own family to avenge the family honor in Iraq. I am American. I am therefore lucky. I must bear witness to the suffering of the world b/c as a citizen of the world's only super power, it is one of the few things i can do, and therefore becomes one of my most important responsibilities. In light of that, watching this character forfeit the safety of his family to prove a point made me sick. having just come from a place where people were living in the street, starving, all bones visible, limbs missing, covered in flies, eyes with no hope, watching some stupid fictionalized version of the struggle to survive almost made me vomit.

Re-adjusting is difficult, that was my initial point. I have mountains of bills and logistics to work out for DAYS, creditors calling my phone every hour on the hour, a father that questions every decision I've ever made, a scholarship i didn't receive, no internship set for next semester, no clear destination to return to in India, no clue where to apply to college and fear that no where will accept me. I have $100 to my name IN LIFE and thousands upon thousands of dollars of debt, both owed to people and companies. But somehow all this is bearable because i have amazing friends and family that are willing to support me. Moments like this i can't help but think India, with all its chaos and uncertainty, makes more sense than this. It seems easier as well.

I miss all my friends, scattered across the East Coast and the rest of America like leaves in the wind. i've heard from most of them. I understand everyone is super busy with the end of the semester looming and the holidays and what not, but the ones i have perpetually not heard from, even after reaching out repeatedly, those ones hurt.
I am frustrated and annoyed that i have made the effort, sent emails, postcards even, and gotten nothing in response. To use the internet in India was no convenient or even easy feat and in my across the world reality i stil found time to write. I guess different people value others and effort and communication differently, but to me, a small email in response saying "hey! i was thinking of you!" or "I got the postcard, thanks!" or even, "here's what has been happening in my life while you've been away" means the world, and shows they care.

i guess i'm complaining now. i'll stop. i miss my group, we check in over email a few times a day. it is heartening to see so many emails from them every time i sign in. i don't check in much, lately i havent had much to say. being back and being able to reconnect with people has been fabulous and worth the time change and the awkwardness of being home. One of my best friends is coming home this weekend, i'll get to see her!!! yay!!! Quick appreciation: I appreciate genuine, authentic people who understand the value of communicating their love and appreciation for life and others. That said, I hope all who read this blog are well, and this random, disjointed entry is not proof of the slipping quality of my posts, it is simply me trying to get back on the bicycle i've fallen off since coming back.

gratitude, love, and sincere dislike for creditors-

2 comments:

Shreen said...

hey sweethart,
im reading ur blog :) i love you, and i wanted to tell u- all u can do is ur best with the time you are given. i cant believ today is dec. 1st already, in jst above 2 weeks i'll be done with this semester. i have to: read a book, write a 12-15 pg paper on it, study, read many articles, study, scholarship paperwork, volunteer- doing a CYFAD next saturday, plan a presentation, write 2 papers to go along with it, more work, and a take home final in my last class all in the next 16 days. not to mention ur bday is a short 6 days away and what is happening with that? aka wat zipcode will u be in? inshallah i can make it thru this hellish time with skin thats still brown after all the paleness of 2 hrs sleep, my paltry diet of peanut butter and tomato sauce (AHAHA)and the resulting delirium that accompanies laptop-aphobia, typing cramps, and coffee jitters.
s.y.s. (save your sister :P
<3

Jennifer said...

Hi Yazi,

Shreen told me your birthday was yesterday and since I have not other means of communicating my wishes to you, I will do it here. so, Happy Birthday!!! =D I hope it was really great and relaxing. Take Care and hope you are enjoying being back home... Cheers- Jennifer